Thursday, May 21, 2015

One of the reasons I started this blog was a creative outlet but more so a way to help me develop my confidence. And with the risk of sharing too much I am going to tell you a story... for as long as I can remember I have been in an abusive relationship, directly or indirectly. Growing up I thought that's just how things are; learned to expect the worst in people and at a very young age and that happy endings and fairy tales were strictly reserved for things that happen in books and as a pigment of my imagination.
As you can imagine growing up this way, you struggle with relationships and on the rare occasion you let someone in you get hurt; and every time after that, you build walls so high around you to protect yourself. At some point it gets easier to just not let anyone in. Being bullied or abused, physically or mentally or even just witnessing it takes a toll, from which many people don't recover well from.
Some are strong and fortunate to be able to walk away and start clean while I fell so far down the rabbit hole of no return that I wouldn't even know what any other way would be like. Somewhere along the way I made decisions that help me stay very much enclosed in those very safe walls I have built for myself... One of those things was a decision to not get married or have kids. Being Bosnian that's anything but normal and what society expects you to do; so time over and again I get asked "oh when are getting married" & "you don't have much time"... Then you get to a point where they don't even ask and just assume there is something wrong with you... That you are broken; while some people think I can be fixed,  others just say horrible things that push you further down that horrid rabbit hole full of insecurities and doubt. So when do you start believing that you are broken? When do you accept that something so wrong with you?? I could have saved myself all the trouble and got married, and been like everyone I was expected to be like; would have done same as everyone & did what I was expected to do.
So why didn't I? I didn't because my past and circumstances made me different, for better or for worse, I was different.
Moral of the story: what might seem like an insane thing to you or very different thing might be someone's very difficult reality. Never assume that just because someone is different that is because they are trying to be cool, stand out ... some people don't know how to be anything but completely different. If you are struggling with bullying or abuse please remember you are not alone. There is people you can talk to and you get support if your need it. Don't let it swallow you and push so you so far into the darkness; don't let it become you and take over your life. Never let being different bring you down; stand up for it. I for one, appriciate the different.

love, N.